So… we have a lovely invite to a friend’s Christmas fancy dress party (with kids) and we buy cute elf suits for our twins. We have Primark’s finest xmas jumpers on as this year we feel extra xmassy (yeah!). So we set off after feeding twins to our mates’ house …and in the car I get a strange wiff off sicky quavers….but I don’t think anything of it and continue to sing along to Christmas songs on the radio.

We arrive at friends’ house, open car door to one of the twins…and …BAM…our first experience of projectile chunky vomit. The poor love is covered…hair…eyelashes…clothes…car seat and all down the back of driver seat…. ffs! (how did we not notice this?)

So we stare…. frozen …at the carnage that is cottage cheese with ham bits in…and ponder how best to handle this….do we take her out as she is? Do we scoop what we can and remove clothes right here? I mean, no amount of freshers’ weeks at uni can prepare u for this scene…ever! So we decide to split up and handle it in stages… I lift child out of car seat at arm’s length…whilst partner attacks the chunks with baby wipes. I take twin into house and straight up to the bath, undress, and hose down. But then I realise …I haven’t brought a @@@@ing change of clothes because it’s @@@@ing fancy dress innit. #alwayshaveaspareelfsuit

Change of clothes- 1, plastic bag of sick stained clothes-1, twinmum’s stress level- above average but still optimistic.

So, after my friend donates a set of spare clothes, we settle into the party…then after a while ..the same twin makes that face and noise which can only mean one thing….so take upstairs only to find poor love has sh@t her recently borrowed pants. (ffs!) So clean that mess up and ask dearest friend if they have another set of clothes and gratefully receive a pair of pjs. #alwayshaveaspareelfsuit

Change of clothes-2, plastic bag of sick and sh@t stained clothes – 2, twinmum’s stress level- way above average for a social gathering and feels bad that wasn’t more organised.

Go downstairs and the other twin, who hasn’t been given much attention starts to pull their pooface (ffs) so back upstairs and attempt to attack the absolute poo carnage which has arrived. It’s everywhere and this twin is thrashing and kicking about whilst I frantically try to scope the poo whilst avoiding covering myself and friend’s carpet from this poomonstrosity. So I shout down to my friend …’ I’m really sorry… but have you got another change of clothes….? #alwayshaveaspareelfsuit

Change of clothes- 3, plastic bag of sick and sh@t stained clothes-3, twinmum’s stress level- far too high to express politely.

So we go downstairs…exhausted…feeling very frustrated that we have missed the buffet and most of the adult chat….and see original twin making another poo face!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the last straw….so we decide to pack up stuff and get these b@ggars home.

So we leave the party flustered and stressed, twins dressed like refugees, 3 plastic bags of sick and sh@t stained elf suits, car @@@@ing stinks, car seat ruined and needless to say I’m in need of a glass of wine. #twinmaina